lesson one: curses and hexes
by: tonks
here are some curses and hexes. i have given them grades by which i think they are.
Expelliarmus
This seems to be one of the more popular spells in the wizardly repertoire. It's used in wizard battles to try to knock the wand out of the other guy's hand. I find that pretty disappointing, actually. When wizards battle, I want to see people turned into various amphibians and things set on fire. Smacking the other guy's wand just seems like the wizardly equivalent of a slap-fight.
Grade: C-
Lumos
This spell causes a beam of light to radiate from the end of your wand. Yeah, that's why I read fantasy literature, to immerse myself in the magic of a world where you can carry around an object that shines light on things. Oh, Harry, why won't you appear and apparate me away to such an enchanted place? Maybe you can also show me a magical spell that heats up a Hungry-Man TV dinner in four to five minutes, with a quick break in the middle to stir the potatoes!
Grade: D
Riddikulus
Apparently this is a remarkably specific spell, used to turn boggarts into something amusing so that you can laugh, which weakens them. Seems like it would be easier just to get a video iPod with that clip where the guys are having sex with an ottoman. When you're faced with a horrible vision of whatever you fear most -- a blood-sucking spider or your mother or a moldy cupcake or whatever -- it seems easier to hit "play" than to concentrate on a happy memory so that you can cast this spell.
Grade: C
Expecto Patronus
OK, this is pretty neat. You get to conjure a big, glowing animal to protect you from evil. On the other hand, you're going to be pretty unhappy if you get a lame animal. Say you're being attacked by some dementors out for a lark. If your decision is between having your soul sucked out in agony, or revealing to the world that your Patronus is a yellow-faced pocket gopher, well, I know what choice I'dmake, but I've never been that attached to my soul anyway.
Grade: B+
Wingardium Leviosa
This is a first-year spell, the Hogwarts equivalent of algebra. And, like algebra, it's very useful but not very interesting. You lift things into the air. Actually, now that I think of it, a surprising number of wizard spells involve moving things. You lift them, or make them fly toward you, or teleport them someplace else. With all this magical labor-saving, it's kind of surprising that wizards don't weigh 300 pounds across the board. Especially since they drink something called "butterbeer." I can only assume there's a spell called Slimfasta Jennicraigius.
Grade: B-
- harry potter spells: the best and worst in hexes and curses